So, you're lonely and gay. What's next?

Contents:

• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY
• 5 TTHS ABOUT GAY LONELS
• IS LONELS THE GAY MAN’S CURSE, OR A PRODUCT OF 21ST CENTURY LIFE?
• 5 SYMPTOMS OF GAY LONELS
• LONELS AND SELF-RATED PHYSIL HEALTH AMONG GAY, BISEXUAL AND OTHER MEN WHO HAVE SEX WH MEN VANUVER, CANADA
• SO, YOU'RE LONELY AND GAY. WHAT'S NEXT?
• LONELS AND GAY MEN
• THE BTAL REALY OF ‘GAY LONELS’THE INVISIBLE BATTLE WH THE RABOWSNATHAN CHEN·FOLLOWPUBLISHED COUNTER ARTS·6 M READ·JUL 18--1SHAREPHOTO BY RON LACH OM PEXELSWHAT’S UP, FOLKS? NOW, DON’T GET FOOLED BY THE CHEEKY TONE, TODAY WE’RE DIVG EP. WE’RE TALKG ABOUT SOMETHG WAY TOO REAL AND ’S THE “BTAL REALY” OF GAY LONELS. SO, S BACK, GRAB A CUP OF FFEE OR A GLASS OF WE (I DON’T JUDGE), AND BUCKLE UP!NOW, LET ME START WH A TTH BOMB: BEG GAY IS NOT ALL RABOWS AND UNIRNS, NO PUN TEND. THERE’S A DARKER SI TO , A SI THAT’S OFTEN SWEPT UNR THE BETIFULLY WOVEN RPET OF PRI PARAS. THAT SI IS LONELS. AND MAN, N BE AS BTAL AS AN UNEXPECTED TAX BILL.1. THE MONIKER: ‘GAY LONELS’HERE’S THE THG: GAY LONELS ISN’T ABOUT NOT HAVG IENDS, OR ABOUT STG ALONE AT HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WATCHG RENS OF “FRIENDS” (ALTHOUGH, I MEAN, WHO HASN’T?). NO, ’S THIS UNIQUE, GUT-WRENCHG FEELG OF ISOLATN AND DISNNECTN. IT’S THIS PSYCHOLOGIL STATE THAT N MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE EVEN A CROWD. CAN YOU IMAGE THE NUNDM? IT’S LIKE BEG STARVG WHILE STG AT AN ALL-YOU-N-EAT BUFFET, BUT YOU N’T BRG YOURSELF TO PICK UP THE FORK. CRAZY, RIGHT?BUT GETS MORE PLITED. SEE, GAY LONELS ISN’T JT ABOUT BEG PHYSILLY ALONE, ’S ALSO ABOUT FEELG DISNNECTED OM YOUR OWN MUNY. IMAGE ATTENDG A DRAG SHOW OR PRI EVENT, SURROUND BY YOUR FELLOW QUEER FOLK, BUT STILL FEELG THAT HNTG SENSE OF ISOLATN.2. THE UNFAIR SOCIETAL EXPECTATNSNOW, LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHG REALLY IMPORTANT. BEG GAY OFTEN WH CERTA EXPECTATNS. FROM SOCIETY, OM YOUR OWN MUNY, EVEN OM YOURSELF. IT’S LIKE WHEN MY MOM EXPECTS ME TO CHANGE THE LIGHTBULB BEE I’M TALL — NOT OL, RIGHT?GAY MEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE EXTROVERTED, WTY, FUN-LOVG, PARTY ANIMALS. WE’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FABULOLY RATED APARTMENT, AN ADORG JACK RSELL TERRIER, AND A ‘RI OR DIE’ GROUP OF IENDS, A LA “SEX AND THE CY.” AND IF WE DON’T MEET THE EXPECTATNS? WELL, N OFTEN LEAD TO SELF-DOUBT, TRATN, AND YOU GUSED , LONELS.3. THE DOUBLE WHAMMY: HOMOPHOBIA AND INTERNALIZED…

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU'RE GAY AND LONELY

Part of realizg you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-bary, or anythg other than cisgenr and heterosexual is acceptg you’re different—and somewhat separated—om the majory. At the time, there were no real gay role mols except for Graham Norton and Jack om Dawson's Creek—and I certaly didn't intify wh him bee I wasn't a football player.

As a gay man experiencg lonels, your lonels is possibly the culmatn of events that happened to you and around you and the stori and beliefs that you’ve ma those events mean about yourself and all that, you need to own your lonels. Prrise DOING nnectnTo know that you’re a betiful gay man experiencg lonels and to then not prrise the DOING of nnectn is to choose your lonels. The thoughts and feelgs of lonels n make you believe that you’re the only person around you, but chanc are that a signifint proportn of the people - gay or otherwise - you enunter every day are also experiencg lonels that moment.

5 TTHS ABOUT GAY LONELS

I’m here for you when you’re ready to take a step beyond the lonels you’re experiencg as a gay man towards the type of soul-nourishg nnectn you need and serve.

Jo me for a ffee and a chat the upg episo of my podst for gay men ‘Connectn over Coffee wh The Lonels Guy’ om Thursday 7 July THE MAILING LISTBUY ME A COFFEE TO SAY THANKSREAD ANOTHER BLOGLISTEN TO THE PODCASTGET IN CONTACTHOMEImportant notice: All views exprsed above are my own/the thors and are tend to support, challenge and spire gay men to nsir the issue of lonels and crease awarens of the need for thentic nnectn wh themselv, wh others and their muni as an antidote to chronic lonels. Still, even as we celebrate the sle and speed of this change, the rat of prsn, lonels and substance abe the gay muny rema stuck the same place they’ve been for s.

IS LONELS THE GAY MAN’S CURSE, OR A PRODUCT OF 21ST CENTURY LIFE?

In a survey of gay men who recently arrived New York Cy, three-quarters suffered om anxiety or prsn, abed dgs or alhol or were havg risky sex—or some batn of the three. “Marriage equaly and the chang legal stat were an improvement for some gay men, ” says Christopher Stults, a rearcher at New York Universy who studi the differenc mental health between gay and straight men.

5 SYMPTOMS OF GAY LONELS

In the Netherlands, where gay marriage has been legal sce 2001, gay men rema three tim more likely to suffer om a mood disorr than straight men, and 10 tim more likely to engage “suicidal self-harm. TTravis Salway, a rearcher wh the BC Centre for Disease Control Vanuver, has spent the last five years tryg to figure out why gay men keep killg themselv.

LONELS AND SELF-RATED PHYSIL HEALTH AMONG GAY, BISEXUAL AND OTHER MEN WHO HAVE SEX WH MEN VANUVER, CANADA

By the late 2000s, he was a social worker and epimlogist and, like me, was stck by the growg distance between his straight and gay iends. When the dispary first me to light the ’50s and ’60s, doctors thought was a symptom of homosexualy self, jt one of many maniftatns of what was, at the time, known as “sexual versn.

“That was the ia I had, too, ” Salway says, “that gay suici was a product of a bygone era, or was ncentrated among adolcents who didn’t see any other way out. He found that gay men everywhere, at every age, have higher rat of rdvascular disease, ncer, ntence, erectile dysfunctn, ⁠ allergi and asthma—you name , we got . “We see gay men who have never been sexually or physilly asslted wh siar post-trmatic strs symptoms to people who have been bat suatns or who have been raped, ” says Alex Kroghlian, a psychiatrist at the Fenway Instute’s Center for Populatn Rearch LGBT Health.

And I kept nyg was a problem bee I had always told myself, ‘I’ve e out, I moved to San Francis, I’m done, I did what I had to do as a gay person. For s, this is what psychologists thought, too: that the key stag inty formatn for gay men all led up to g out, that once we were fally fortable wh ourselv, we uld beg buildg a life wh a muny of people who’d gone through the same thg.

SO, YOU'RE LONELY AND GAY. WHAT'S NEXT?

It got so bad that I ed to go to the grocery store that was 40 mut away stead of the one that was 10 mut away jt bee I was so aaid to walk down the gay street.

LONELS AND GAY MEN

Several studi have found that livg gay neighborhoods predicts higher rat of risky sex and meth e and ls time spent on other muny activi like volunteerg or playg sports.

Acrdg to Dane Whicker, a clil psychologist and rearcher at De, most gay men report that they want to date someone mascule, and that they wished they acted more mascule themselv. Rearchers say this kd of trag, liberately tryg to appear more mascule and takg on a different sex role, is jt one of the ways gay men prsure each other to atta “sexual pal, ” the equivalent of gog to the gym or pluckg our eyebrows.

THE BTAL REALY OF ‘GAY LONELS’THE INVISIBLE BATTLE WH THE RABOWSNATHAN CHEN·FOLLOWPUBLISHED COUNTER ARTS·6 M READ·JUL 18--1SHAREPHOTO BY RON LACH OM PEXELSWHAT’S UP, FOLKS? NOW, DON’T GET FOOLED BY THE CHEEKY TONE, TODAY WE’RE DIVG EP. WE’RE TALKG ABOUT SOMETHG WAY TOO REAL AND ’S THE “BTAL REALY” OF GAY LONELS. SO, S BACK, GRAB A CUP OF FFEE OR A GLASS OF WE (I DON’T JUDGE), AND BUCKLE UP!NOW, LET ME START WH A TTH BOMB: BEG GAY IS NOT ALL RABOWS AND UNIRNS, NO PUN TEND. THERE’S A DARKER SI TO , A SI THAT’S OFTEN SWEPT UNR THE BETIFULLY WOVEN RPET OF PRI PARAS. THAT SI IS LONELS. AND MAN, N BE AS BTAL AS AN UNEXPECTED TAX BILL.1. THE MONIKER: ‘GAY LONELS’HERE’S THE THG: GAY LONELS ISN’T ABOUT NOT HAVG IENDS, OR ABOUT STG ALONE AT HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WATCHG RENS OF “FRIENDS” (ALTHOUGH, I MEAN, WHO HASN’T?). NO, ’S THIS UNIQUE, GUT-WRENCHG FEELG OF ISOLATN AND DISNNECTN. IT’S THIS PSYCHOLOGIL STATE THAT N MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE EVEN A CROWD. CAN YOU IMAGE THE NUNDM? IT’S LIKE BEG STARVG WHILE STG AT AN ALL-YOU-N-EAT BUFFET, BUT YOU N’T BRG YOURSELF TO PICK UP THE FORK. CRAZY, RIGHT?BUT GETS MORE PLITED. SEE, GAY LONELS ISN’T JT ABOUT BEG PHYSILLY ALONE, ’S ALSO ABOUT FEELG DISNNECTED OM YOUR OWN MUNY. IMAGE ATTENDG A DRAG SHOW OR PRI EVENT, SURROUND BY YOUR FELLOW QUEER FOLK, BUT STILL FEELG THAT HNTG SENSE OF ISOLATN.2. THE UNFAIR SOCIETAL EXPECTATNSNOW, LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHG REALLY IMPORTANT. BEG GAY OFTEN WH CERTA EXPECTATNS. FROM SOCIETY, OM YOUR OWN MUNY, EVEN OM YOURSELF. IT’S LIKE WHEN MY MOM EXPECTS ME TO CHANGE THE LIGHTBULB BEE I’M TALL — NOT OL, RIGHT?GAY MEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE EXTROVERTED, WTY, FUN-LOVG, PARTY ANIMALS. WE’RE ALL SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FABULOLY RATED APARTMENT, AN ADORG JACK RSELL TERRIER, AND A ‘RI OR DIE’ GROUP OF IENDS, A LA “SEX AND THE CY.” AND IF WE DON’T MEET THE EXPECTATNS? WELL, N OFTEN LEAD TO SELF-DOUBT, TRATN, AND YOU GUSED , LONELS.3. THE DOUBLE WHAMMY: HOMOPHOBIA AND INTERNALIZED…

Usually when you hear about the shockg primacy of hookup apps gay life—Grdr, the most popular, says s average er spends 90 mut per day on —’s some panicked media story about murrers or homophob trawlg them for victims, or about the troublg “chemsex” scen that have spng up London and New York. But the real effect of the apps is quieter, ls remarked-upon and, a way, more profound: For many of , they have bee the primary way we teract wh other gay people. The worst thg about the apps, though, and why they’re relevant to the health dispary between gay and straight men, is not jt that we e them a lot.