'Did I ever really know him?': the women who married gay men | LGBTQ+ rights | The Guardian

Contents:

• HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY
• IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN
• FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY
• IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?
• IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND
• YEP, HE’S GAY
• QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?
• IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT
• STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS
• HELP! I THK MY HBAND IS GAY
• SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON
• MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX
• ONE OF N.L.'S FIRST MARRIED GAY UPL LOOK BACK WH PRI
• I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY
• 'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN
• 5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY
• IS YOUR BOYIEND ACTUALLY GAY?

HOW TO COPE WHEN YOUR SPOE COM OUT AS GAY

Unls your spoe shar their sexual orientatn wh you, there is no way to know for sure if they are gay. You notice a new group of iends on their social media, many of whom are openly gay.

You notice them talkg more about gay people nversatn, eher a posive light or rogatory manner. Among the upl, when the gay, lbian, or bisexual partner out, a third of the upl break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then spl; the remag third try to make their marriag work.

There's no qutn that learng your partner is gay when you believed them to be straight n be extremely difficult.

IS YOUR HBAND GAY? 6 SIGNS THAT COULD BE A CSE FOR CONCERN

People do not choose who they are attracted to, so make sure to not direct homophobic backlash towards your partner. If you have had any notn at all that this is a possibily, might help you to know the 6 signs that may suggt that your hband is gay. Aga, this uld be ed by other thgs as well, but uld be prent if your hband is gay.

Issu ncerng sexual sire alone are not a sure-fire sign your hband is gay, but women who report that their hbands turned out to be gay often say this was somethg they noticed first. But remember, there n be many reasons why sex a marriage is ls than satisfyg, other than the fact that your hband may be gay.

His browsg history may give you a clear picture and n be one of the many signs your hband is gay. Pop-ups of gay pornography have appeared on the puter he , even though he claims he has nothg to do wh .

FDG OUT YOUR SPOE IS GAY

His social media ntacts are unual and full of people, or new iends that you don’t know how he knows them and many of which are gay. It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and rmatn on a gay datg se. There will also be signs your hband is gay such as his behavral patterns, pecially ncerng other gay men.

He viss gay bars equently even though he will claim that he’s jt there to socialize wh his gay iends.

IS YOUR MAN GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL?

He watch or seems to be fortable watchg pornography wh gay male scen. He might even appear to be homophobic and make a lot of ments about gay people a rogatory manner. The are signs your spoe is gay and there is no room for further doubts.

In most s, if your hband has been hidg gay tennci om you, ’s probably bee he is the closet and don’t know how to e out to you or anybody else his life. And, if you do fd out signs your hband is gay, then the first thg that you’ll need to do is to s down and talk to him.

IS MY HBAND GAY? SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND

It is entirely possible that he might ny that he’s gay om the offset, whout givg you any satisfactory answers to your qutns. If you n live a marriage where you are sure that your hband might be gay, some personal unselg might help you work through this so that you n fd the right way forward for you.

YEP, HE’S GAY

If your hband do adm that he is gay, ’s important to remember that he didn’t choose this life to hurt you. So, next time if you have siar doubts md, jt study your partner, check out his browsg histori and fd rmatn about his iends and you will e across signs your hband is gay.

But when the marriage is over bee your spoe turns out to be gay, there is a whole different layer of thoughts and emotns to ntend wh.

QUIZ: IS MY HBAND GAY?

Bonnie Kaye,, me to specialize helpg women face this unanticipated reason for the mise of their marriage after her own marriage llapsed by virtue of her hband beg gay. Kaye reports that when a woman learns the reason for the problems her marriage-namely homosexualy, she go through a wi range of emotns om vastatn, shame, guilt, rponsibily, and perhaps even to repulsn. Acrdg to, there are over 4 ln women this untry who are married to, or have been married to gay men, and there are lns more throughout the world.

IS MY HBAND GAY? 10 SIGNS THAT CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT

"In almost all s, " Kaye stat, "women wh gay hbands are unaware of their hbands' homosexualy at the time of the marriage. The answers to the qutns pend on if the gay or lbian spoe knew and tried to reprs the homosexual attractns, whether he or she didn't know they were gay, or if they are bisexual (attracted to both genrs) or pansexual (attracted more to a person's spir or personaly rather than a person's anatomy) so the attractn to their spoe was real was real but not limed to one person or genr.

STRAIGHT WOMEN AND THEIR GAY HBANDS

The seems to be no shortage of support out there on this subject matter and I also me across several books on the topic that may be of help to both the gay and straight spoe. In his Royal Oaks, Michigan, practice, Joe specializ Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy and IMAGO Relatnship Therapy, often treatg men who are qutng their sexual orientatn. This populatn is the foc of his new and much-need book: Is My Hband Gay, Straight, or Bi?

Number one is the high cince of male-female upl enterg my office bee the woman thks her man might be gay. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been havg sex wh men. A lot of the time the men e on their own and they’re holdg my book about g out as gay, and they want to know, “Is this me?

And I thk ’s very important to state right here that I’m a gay man, yet here I am sayg that most of the time the men who are beg sexual wh other men aren’t gay.

HELP! I THK MY HBAND IS GAY

That’s unual, bee most gay men, even most gay therapists, believe that if a guy is havg gay sex, he’s gay.

” I always joke wh clients that for me, as a gay man, when I’m walkg on the beach and checkg people out, the women are the way. Wh gay clients, they say they feel the same way; wh bisexual clients, they say they’re lookg at both the men and the women; wh straight clients, they say they’re lookg only at the women. When a man is a long-term relatnship wh a woman but beg sexual wh men, eher lookg at porn or havg actual sex, he eher will or won’t be homophobic.

The straight men have no homophobia at all—to the pot where they’re willg to seek unselg om me, an openly gay therapist. A lot of tim the gay men never even make to me (whout promptg om their wife, anyway) bee they’re riddled wh homophobia and I’m too gay for them. So if a client is stgglg wh his sexual orientatn and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay.

SIGNS OF A GAY HBAND BY DEBRA SUTTON

A gay guy wants to do all of that wh a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be wh a woman that way. He’s been lookg at gay porn or he’s been hookg up wh guys he meets through Craigslist.

Even if he’s nfed and don’t want to e out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will e out.

So this is a way of bondg wh men—ironilly, through sex—and happens not bee the man is gay but bee he don’t know any other way to get this need met. Then I tell them that a lot of gay men don’t do anal at all, eher givg or receivg. The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to exprs that sexually and romantilly.

MY HBAND IS GAY BUT WE’RE MARRIED WH TWO KIDS AND HAVE GREAT SEX

Eher they’re worried that their man will eventually ci he’s gay and end the relatnship, or they want monogamy, and his cheatg is a threat to the marriage regardls of who he’s dog wh. And I should pot out here that the men when they’re engagg this behavr (regardls of whether they’re gay, straight or bi) nearly always tell themselv that what they’re dog is not cheatg bee they’re dog wh a guy. Sometim a woman may have been a heterosexual relatnship for years and yet feel somethg is somehow "off;" and she may fd herself askg, "Is my hband gay?

" Many women fd this qutn unthkable but acrdg to Bonnie Kaye,, an expert women married to gay men, is timated that 4 ln women have been, or are, married to gay men. If a hband is gay, n vastate not only the relatnship but the straight wife as well. If the hband is hont wh both you and wh himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay?

ONE OF N.L.'S FIRST MARRIED GAY UPL LOOK BACK WH PRI

Unfortunately, is timated that 50% of gay hbands hi their homosexualy om their wiv and don't reach this place of honty on their own. In many s, is the wife, who after spectg that somethg is wrong, mt nont the gay hband wh the evince, and only then n hontly be achieved. But if you're wonrg, "Is my man gay, " might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, acrdg to Kaye.

I FOUND OUT MY HBAND IS GAY

Kaye has veloped the Official Gay Hband Checklist to help women know if their hbands are gay. You fd pop-ups of gay pornography on the puter while he claims they are not his. He viss gay bars claimg he's there only to hang out wh his gay iend(s).

He mak ntual homophobic ments or he mak too many gay ments nversatns. A hband may be gay and display none of those signs or a hband may display the signs and not be gay. Kaye advis that women "follow their stcts" when cidg whether their hband may be gay.

'DID I EVER REALLY KNOW HIM?': THE WOMEN WHO MARRIED GAY MEN

If turns out that a hband is, fact, gay, the fallout n be difficult to al wh, particularly for the straight partner.

(If you're thkg that you n cure the gay by havg your hband go to gay nversn therapy, read this. What's important to remember is that the hband's homosexualy is entirely his rponsibily and has nothg to do wh the wife. The wife has not been aquate any way and likely the gay hband married her bee he tly red about her.

5 SIGNS YOUR HBAND IS GAY

Some gay men believe that beg married n rid them of their homosexualy. None of the, however, e close to the enormy of noticg the signs your hband is gay. Regular marriage problems pale parison to g to terms wh this realizatn: my hband is gay.

If you're a woman, you may have noticed thgs about your Hband that lead you to believe he's gay or terted men. Keep readg for a thorough list of potential signs that your hband might be gay. It might be surprisg to know that if your spoe isn't straight, he might actually display extreme homophobic behavur.

IS YOUR BOYIEND ACTUALLY GAY?

He will show signs of disapproval towards gay men and gay upl, as well as be particularly vol about how wrong homosexualy is. He might even get aggrsive towards gay men or shout verbal abe at them.

If your hband is watchg or readg homosexual pornography, ’s probably not bee he’s cur.

If your hband is seekg out male pany, or jog certa clubs or groups that are specifilly for men, uld be a sign that he is gay, and wants to spend a lot of time wh men or a certa man, away om you. There are many reasons why someone might act this way, so this by self is not a surefire sign that he’s gay. However, if you fd several of the other signs to be rgg te, and his behavr is sneaky, uld mean he's gay.