Contents:
- SO WHAT IF DRACULA IS GAY?
- THE BLOOD-SUCKG DISAPPOTMENT OF NETFLIX’S ‘DRACULA’TOOTHLESSTHE LATT RNATN OF THE HISTORIC BLOOD-SUCKG FIEND WILL LIKELY LEAVE DIENC THIRSTY.COL FLEMGUPDATED JAN. 11, 2020 9:04AM EST / PUBLISHED JAN. 11, 2020 5:26AM EST COURTY OF NETFLIXIN THE LATE 1950S, HAMMER STUDS ENGLAND UNLEASHED A FORM OF VAMPIRIC CEMA UPON THE WORLD THAT WOULD E PRENT DAY DIENC, THE PARLANCE OF OUR TIM, TO LOSE THEIR SH. HAMMER TRAD BIG, SPLASHY LOR, WH REDS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY’D JT BEEN SQUEEZED OM ATOMIC KETCHUP BOTTL, A FORM OF BLOOD SEEMG LS LIKE A LIFE FORCE THAN HUMAN-SOURCED LAVA. HORROR HAD BEEN MORIBUND SCE THE 1930S, WHEN BOGEYMEN LIKE BORIS KARLOFF AND BELA LUGOSI WERE THE BELOVED REVENANTS OF POP CULTURE, THE FRANKENSTE MONSTER AND DRACULA, RPECTIVELY, THOSE SOMEWHAT CREAKY UNIVERSAL BLACK-AND-WHE PICTUR. HAMMER WAS ALL ABOUT A NEW TERROR-DAWN. IN 1958, THE STUD PUT OUT WHAT WAS KNOWN TO AMERIN DIENC AS HORROR OF DRACULA (WHICH WENT MERELY BY DRACULA S NATIVE ENGLAND), WH CHRISTOPHER LEE AS THE COUNT, AND PETER CHG AS DOCTOR VAN HELSG, THE MAN--THE-KNOW, DU WH THE BRAS, SEEKG TO MAKE THE UNAD THE MERELY AD. WHAT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER NOW, MORE THAN 60 YEARS LATER, IS THAT THIS WAS AK TO PORN AT THE TIME. DIRECTOR TERENCE FISHER—WHO WAS THE GO-TO DIRECTOR FOR THE HAMMER VEHICL—LOVED TO SHOW YOU CLEAVAGE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. SI-BOOB? LOVED . A HEAVG BOSOM THAT LOOKED AS IF MIGHT BE RISG AND FALLG THE THRO OF ASM? LOVED EVEN MORE. THE LOR STOCK HAD NOTICEABLE GRA, AS IF THE MOVIE SELF HAD BEEN LIFTED OM A SEPULCHER, AND NOT ALL OF THE DIRT HAD BEEN SHAKEN EE. THERE IS A SCENE NETFLIX’S NEW THREE-PART DRACULA SERI WHEN THE TLE CHARACTER, PLAYED BY CLA BANG, PERCH A WDOW AT A NVENT, WHERE ONE OF HIS “BRIS”—THAT POOR OLD SOUL JONATHAN HARKER (JOHN HEFFERNAN)—LI ON HIS BACK, STAKE THROUGH HIS HEART, AN OTHERWISE UNTENANTED ROOM. HARKER HAS SELF-STAKED HIMSELF, WHICH, VAMPIRE LORE, DO NOT EE YOU OM THE CURSE. THE COUNT HAS SLED THE NVENT WALL BEE HE WISH FOR HARKER TO VE HIM , A STIPULATN OF HIM GAG GRS, TO FEAST ON ALL OF THOSE TASTY NUNS AS IF HE’D BEEN LET LOOSE A PORNHUB SPLAY CHANNEL. HE’S BACKL SUCH A WAY THAT WE N SEE THE OBV NOD TO THAT CLASSIC HAMMER GRA, THE RAFTERG OF MOONBEAMS WHICH FELT LS AK TO LUNAR LIGHT AND MORE LIKE A VISUAL LL TO ARMS FOR TRANSGRSIVE VIRILY. THE RIFF IS CLEARLY UPON A THEME OF THE PAST, BUT -CREATORS MARK GATISS AND STEVEN MOFFAT—THE DUO BEHD SHERLOCK—TEND TO FASHN A DRACULA FOR OUR MORN AGE. IN OTHER WORDS, THEY WISH TO BT APART EVERY NVENTN THAT HAS EVER MARKED THIS FECUND FIELD, BEE SPE ALL OF THE VAR ERATNS OF THE BLOOD-SUCKG TALE, TROP HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RIGIDLY PLACE, RIGHT BACK TO BRAM STOKER’S 1897 NOVEL. WHAT’S CUR ABOUT OUR LOVE OF ALL THGS DRACULA IS HOW ATHWART OUR AGE IS WH THE TRAPPGS OF THE STORY. GATISS AND MOFFAT ARE ALWAYS WELL-VERSED THEIR SUBJECT MATTER— LOVE, TOO, WH THEIR SUBJECT MATTER, WHICH IS AXMATIC TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER WATCHED SHERLOCK AND LIGHTED SOME RENDE REFERENCE TO A B OF HOLMIAN NON THAT THOR CONAN DOYLE HIMSELF WOULD NOT HAVE REMEMBERED FIVE MUT AFTER WRG THE FIRST PLACE. IN STOKER’S NOVEL, AND CERTALY THE HAMMER PICTUR—THAT FIRST OFFERG SPAWNG A BEVY OF SEQUELS, PREQUELS, PARALLEL STORI—MEN LE ALL. THERE WILL BE A BAND OF BROTHERS, AND THIS BAND WILL BE AWFULLY GAY WHILE S MEMBERS THK THEY ARE NOT REMOTELY GAY AND FACT PARAGONS OF MACHISMO; MANY TIM DURG THE PROCEEDGS, GREAT CLARATNS OF FEALTY AND RPECT WILL BE MA, TOASTS DNK, BACKS CLAPPED, LOVE ETERNALLY PLEDGED. THE WOMEN, MEANWHILE, GET ED AND GET ED HARD. THEY ARE POSSSED BY DRACULA, WHICH DUBABLY IS A BAD TIME. THEY DO HIS BIDDG, SYMBOLILLY LACKG A MD OF THEIR OWN. THEY NEED NSTANT PROTECTN AND ARE SO HELPLS YOU N’T LEAVE THEM A ROOM ALONE AT NIGHT FOR FIVE MUT, WHICH THE MEN EVABLY FUCK UP ANYWAY, BEE THE MEN-GANGS ARE PRETTY EFFECTIVE. VAN HELSG SERV AS TR, AND EVENTUALLY HE’S ABLE TO PREVAIL. BUT ONE ALWAYS HAS THE SENSE THAT DRACULA’S HEART ISN’T REALLY HIS EVIL, HE’D LIKE TO BE DONE WH ALL. THERE ARE MANY CRGE-WORTHY L THIS NEW PRODUCTN, THE STUFF OF REAL T-EARED WRG. VAN HELSG IS NOT A MALE VAMPIRE HUNTER, AS HE UALLY IS, BUT RATHER THE NUN AGATHA VAN HELSG (DOLLY WELLS) WHO IS QUTNG HER OWN FAH, AND TALKS WH A STREAK OF WHIMSY THAT BORRS ON THE FATUO. WHEN A PLAGUE OF BATS TURNS UP AT THE NVENT, SHE CLAR, “HOW TERTG!” WH THE SAME WI-EYED, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY BLHENS OF STRAWBERRY SHORTKE WHEN CHANCG UPON THE LATT SCHEME LNCHED BY THE PURPLE PIE MAN. HARKER HAS BEEN NTAMATED BY DRACULA, HE’S PED THE STLE—BY LEAPG OM AND GETTG WASHED UP A FISHERMAN’S —AND HE PROVIS THE SHOW’S AMG VICE, AT LEAST SOFAR AS THE FIRST STALLMENT (DIRECTED BY JONNY CAMPBELL) GO, BEFORE EVERYTHG GO FULL-ON HUGGER-MUGGER. SISTER AGATHA VAN HELSG AND A NUN WHO IS NOT REALLY A NUN—MA, HARKER’S BETROTHED—TERVIEW THE LOST SOUL, TRYG TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MAK THIS DRAC DU TICK. IT’S A GOOD IA, THIS VERSN, FOSTERG A KD OF SOCLOGIL EQUY WE HARDLY EVER GET VAMPIRE PERD PICTUR. THIS ISN’T SOME PRENT DAY UPDATE, WHICH WOULD PERHAPS PROVE RIPER FOR THIS KD OF TWIST. WE’RE BACK THE OLN DAYS, WHEN STOKER HIMSELF SET HIS NOVEL. CONCEPT IS ONE THG, THOUGH, EXECUTN IS ANOTHER. WE ALL HAVE THAT IEND WHO DON’T KNOW WHEN TO LET A JOKE GO, WHO PROVIS ONE BEAT TOO MANY, EACH AND EVERY TIME. OUR SHOWNNERS ARE THE DYADIC VERSN OF THAT IEND. CLA BANG’S DRACULA IS WONRFULLY WILAN SOME WAYS. HE’S SEXUAL, CERTALY, WHICH DRACULA HAS TO BE, BUT HE’S ALSO BORED—BORED LT, WE MIGHT SAY. HE LONGS FOR NNECTN. HE IS, TH, A DRACULA FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE. WE ULD EVEN ADD THAT HE’S NON-BARY, THE SENSE THAT HE DON’T SEE GENR, AND IF ANYONE WAS GOG TO THK GENR WAS FLUID, ’D BE SOMEONE WHOSE ENTIRE EXISTENCE REVOLV AROUND LIQUIDS AND FLUIDY. HE WANTS STIMULATN, WHICH MAK HIM A TRANSYLVANIA TO MILTON’S SATAN, AND THE SCRIPT LLS DRACULA THE VIL HIMSELF OVER AND OVER AGA. WHICH IS NFG ONE WAY—AFTER ALL, THE DEVIL, TO MOST OF , EVEN AS A CHARACTER, IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FIEND—AND ALSO LOGIL, AS THE LARGER POT IS THAT DRACULA REPRENTS THE VIL WH. AS A RULT, THIS VERSN “READS” BLOOD, AS IF WERE A BOOK, STRIPPG KNOWLEDGE OM THE SAME SOURCE HE TATS. IT’S ANOTHER TERTG NCE, AND BANG LOOKS THE PART, BUT GATISS AND MOFFAT STUFF SO MUCH SCENERY HIS MOUTH THAT ’S A WONR HE N GET OUT HIS L. HE’S NOT PECIALLY MPY, BUT HIS REMARKS ARE, AS WHEN HE LLS HARKER “JONNY BLUE EY,” LIKE HE’S SATRA ABOUT TO CROON A POST- BALLAD BED. WE’RE PREPPED FOR L LIKE THIS EARLY ON, WHEN SISTER VAN HELSG BLOWS RIGHT PAST THE BULLSH AND ASKS HARKER IF HE HAD SEXUAL TERURSE WH DRACULA. AS A VICTORIAN MAN, HARKER IS TAKEN ABACK, AND WE PRACTILLY SEE SWEAT DOT HIS BROW AS A VISUAL FOR SODOMY PASS THROUGH HIS ATH-ADDLED BRA. IT’S TOUGH NOT TO THK, GIVEN HOW UNSUBTLE THE LE IS, “AH, ’S GOG TO BE THAT KD OF SERI,” AND YOU HOPE THAT OVERTNS WON’T E ACROSS AS AN ATTENTN-GRAB. BUT THIS ISN’T VIRTUE SIGNALG, OR TTAMENT TO A GNIZANCE OF CHANGG TIM— FLIRTS WH A LAMPOONG, BEE THE SERI DON’T FEEL AS IF EVEN BELIEV SELF. THERE’S A FOR-A-LARK ASPECT, TERCUT WH EARNT TENTN. THE FIRST STALLMENT FOC ON HARKER’S BACKSTORY AND THE TERROGATN AT THE NVENT. MUCH LIKE THE RECENT BBC ADAPTATN OF A CHRISTMAS CAROL, DRACULA TAK QUICK MOMENTS, AND EXTENDS THEM. THIS N FEEL LIKE PADDG, STORY-STRETCHG, BUT NOT DURG THE SEND STALLMENT, DIRECTED BY DAMON THOMAS, WHICH TAK PLACE LARGE PART ON THE DEMETER, THE SHIP THAT BORE THE COUNT TO ENGLAND. “HE’S SEXUAL, CERTALY, WHICH DRACULA HAS TO BE, BUT HE’S ALSO BORED—BORED LT, WE MIGHT SAY. HE LONGS FOR NNECTN. HE IS, TH, A DRACULA FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE.” THERE’S A CLEVER TWEAK YOU WON’T SEE ANYWHERE ELSE—DRACULA, ON CK, BLOWS BEFOULED AIR OM HIS LUNGS SKYWARD, WRAPPG THE DOOMED VSEL FOG, TO BLOT OUT THE SUNLIGHT. HE N’T E AND GO PLETELY EELY, BUT ROCKG A PAIR OF VICTORIAN SUNGLASS, HE N FL ABOUT THE SHADOWS DURG THE DAY, WHICH LENDS SOME JOLT AND FEAR TO THE STORY, A FURTHER DOLLOP OF WHAT WE ASSOCIATE WH UNNATURAL ORR. IN STOKER’S NOVEL, DRACULA HAS NO REAL ISSU WH THE DAY AT HIS STLE. HARKER EVEN OBSERV HIM MAKG A BED ONE MORNG, AND GATISS AND MOFFAT ARE AWARE OF THIS, WH DRACULA SAYG A UPLE TIM THAT HE DON’T HAVE ANY STAFF WORKG FOR HIM. HE MAY BE THE 1 PERCENT, WH THE URBANY OF ACCENT TO MATCH, BUT NO ONE WAS ON HIM, AT LEAST. SO FAR SO GOOD, UNTIL THE SHOWNNERS THOUGHT WISE TO ENDOW THEIR SERI WH SOMETHG STRAIGHT OUT OF A MARVEL FILM. WHOUT GIVG AWAY THE EXACT PLOT POTS, LET’S JT SAY THAT SISTER AGATHA VAN HELSG HAS BEEN ABOARD THE SHIP THE ENTIRE TIME, SERVG AS A DRAC SNACK, WHILE HE ALSO GO AROUND KNOCKG OFF PEOPLE NOT BEE HE NECSARILY WANTS TO DRK THEIR BLOOD OR NEEDS TO, BUT BEE THEY POSSS A GIVEN QUALY, AND HE WISH TO ABSORB . SO, IF YOU HAVE A OL ACCENT AND HE’S ENV, HE’LL KNOCK YOU OFF AND DRK OM YOUR NECK AND GET THE OL ACCENT, TOO. THIS SMACKS OF OUR CLICHéD NOTN OF LIVG YOUR BT LIFE, WHICH OFTEN MEANS ASCRIBG WHATEVER QUALY YOU WISH TO HAVE TO WHO YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU DON’T POSSS THAT QUALY, AN IA THAT DRACULA MAK HAM-FISTEDLY LERAL. SISTER AGATHA IS GOG TO THWART HIS EVILNS WH A BIG OLD EXPLOSN, AND DOWN HIS FF GO TO THE SEA, AND HER WH . HARDLY EMPOWERG. A PROGRSN, PERHAPS, THAT A WOMAN IS THE AGENCY OF A SOLUTN, BUT ’S PRETTY WEAK GEL THAT SHE SERV AS HOST FOR A PARASE ALONG THE WAY—SOMETHG THAT HAS BEEN GOG ON LONG ENOUGH, THANK YOU—AND SUCCUMBS THE END. AS FOR THE BIZARRO WORLD TIMELE: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. MAYBE MOFFAT HAS A KD OF TEMPORALY AGUE LEFTOVER OM HELMG DOCTOR WHO. THERE’S A LOT OF HAMMER FAN-SERVICE THE MISE-EN-SCèNE SELF WH THE DEMETER SCEN, AND THE CHIAROSCURO CEMATOGRAPHY IS AS IF THE GHOST OF NOIR-PNEER JOHN ALTON WERE REVIVED TO TRY HIS HAND AT HORROR CIR 2020. BUT WE ARE UNMOORED AT THIS POT, WHICH CU THE SANY FOR THE THIRD AND NCLUDG STALLMENT, WH PL MCGUIGAN ROUNDG OUT OUR TRY OF ON-HAND DIRECTORS. SISTER AGATHA IS BACK, KD OF, ONLY ’S 123 YEARS LATER AND SHE’S DR. ZOE VAN HELSG. DRACULA HAS BEEN DORMANT, HE’S SENTIALLY UNOZEN, SISTER AGATHA TALKS DR. ZOE’S HEAD, THERE’S A JONATHAN HARKER INSTUTE—’S A CLTER. TURNS OUT DRACULA IS SRED WLS OF ATH, BUT ZOE, WHO IS DYG HERSELF OF NCER, HELPS HIM LEARN ’S NOT THAT BAD, AND THEY DO THIS KD OF MURR-SUICI-Y THG. AGA, NOT HUGELY EMPOWERG, NOT EPIPHANIC, AND ALMOST A BRAND OF SATIRE, BUT THIS ISN’T SATIRE. IF ANYTHG, ’S A TOE-DIP. AN EXPLORATN OF THE WATER, AT THE SURFACE OF THE WATER, SANS PLUNGE. AS A FOOTNOTE, THERE’S D TERT, BOTH TRYG SOMETHG VAGUELY POST-SEXIST, TERMS OF HOW WOMEN ARE UALLY TREATED DURG THE AFFAIRS, AND TAKG A NEW TACK WH THE VAN HELSG CHARACTER, WHO, ANKLY, IS UALLY A PRETTY BORG GUY. BUT ALMOST-AS-BORG WOMEN DON’T REALLY UNTER THAT, PECIALLY WHEN THEIR BANE IS NOT THE KG OF THE UNAD, BUT YOUR MS OF AN UNRTAKG. COL FLEMG
SO WHAT IF DRACULA IS GAY?
Stoker himself was a closeted gay man who ped for affectn om both his iends, mentors, and possible lovers Osr Wil and Walt Whman. Stoker himself was a closeted gay man who ped for affectn om both his iends, mentors, and possible lovers Osr Wil and Walt Whman — men who both garnered ntroversy for their own pictns of homosexualy. One of the prime wrten exampl of Stoker's own sexual orientatn is a lengthy, nfsnal "love letter" he sent to Walt Whman, whose famo "Calam" poems ntaed explic homoerotic imagery and mgs.
Dracula on BBC sparks sad homophobia row among viewers (Picture: BBC)Dracula’s latt reventn on the BBC has stck a nerve wh viewers – so much so that some have gone as far as threateng to ncel their licence fee. No, was the threat that Bram Stoker’s fictnal creature uld be gay.
THE BLOOD-SUCKG DISAPPOTMENT OF NETFLIX’S ‘DRACULA’TOOTHLESSTHE LATT RNATN OF THE HISTORIC BLOOD-SUCKG FIEND WILL LIKELY LEAVE DIENC THIRSTY.COL FLEMGUPDATED JAN. 11, 2020 9:04AM EST / PUBLISHED JAN. 11, 2020 5:26AM EST COURTY OF NETFLIXIN THE LATE 1950S, HAMMER STUDS ENGLAND UNLEASHED A FORM OF VAMPIRIC CEMA UPON THE WORLD THAT WOULD E PRENT DAY DIENC, THE PARLANCE OF OUR TIM, TO LOSE THEIR SH. HAMMER TRAD BIG, SPLASHY LOR, WH REDS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY’D JT BEEN SQUEEZED OM ATOMIC KETCHUP BOTTL, A FORM OF BLOOD SEEMG LS LIKE A LIFE FORCE THAN HUMAN-SOURCED LAVA. HORROR HAD BEEN MORIBUND SCE THE 1930S, WHEN BOGEYMEN LIKE BORIS KARLOFF AND BELA LUGOSI WERE THE BELOVED REVENANTS OF POP CULTURE, THE FRANKENSTE MONSTER AND DRACULA, RPECTIVELY, THOSE SOMEWHAT CREAKY UNIVERSAL BLACK-AND-WHE PICTUR. HAMMER WAS ALL ABOUT A NEW TERROR-DAWN. IN 1958, THE STUD PUT OUT WHAT WAS KNOWN TO AMERIN DIENC AS HORROR OF DRACULA (WHICH WENT MERELY BY DRACULA S NATIVE ENGLAND), WH CHRISTOPHER LEE AS THE COUNT, AND PETER CHG AS DOCTOR VAN HELSG, THE MAN--THE-KNOW, DU WH THE BRAS, SEEKG TO MAKE THE UNAD THE MERELY AD. WHAT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER NOW, MORE THAN 60 YEARS LATER, IS THAT THIS WAS AK TO PORN AT THE TIME. DIRECTOR TERENCE FISHER—WHO WAS THE GO-TO DIRECTOR FOR THE HAMMER VEHICL—LOVED TO SHOW YOU CLEAVAGE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. SI-BOOB? LOVED . A HEAVG BOSOM THAT LOOKED AS IF MIGHT BE RISG AND FALLG THE THRO OF ASM? LOVED EVEN MORE. THE LOR STOCK HAD NOTICEABLE GRA, AS IF THE MOVIE SELF HAD BEEN LIFTED OM A SEPULCHER, AND NOT ALL OF THE DIRT HAD BEEN SHAKEN EE. THERE IS A SCENE NETFLIX’S NEW THREE-PART DRACULA SERI WHEN THE TLE CHARACTER, PLAYED BY CLA BANG, PERCH A WDOW AT A NVENT, WHERE ONE OF HIS “BRIS”—THAT POOR OLD SOUL JONATHAN HARKER (JOHN HEFFERNAN)—LI ON HIS BACK, STAKE THROUGH HIS HEART, AN OTHERWISE UNTENANTED ROOM. HARKER HAS SELF-STAKED HIMSELF, WHICH, VAMPIRE LORE, DO NOT EE YOU OM THE CURSE. THE COUNT HAS SLED THE NVENT WALL BEE HE WISH FOR HARKER TO VE HIM , A STIPULATN OF HIM GAG GRS, TO FEAST ON ALL OF THOSE TASTY NUNS AS IF HE’D BEEN LET LOOSE A PORNHUB SPLAY CHANNEL. HE’S BACKL SUCH A WAY THAT WE N SEE THE OBV NOD TO THAT CLASSIC HAMMER GRA, THE RAFTERG OF MOONBEAMS WHICH FELT LS AK TO LUNAR LIGHT AND MORE LIKE A VISUAL LL TO ARMS FOR TRANSGRSIVE VIRILY. THE RIFF IS CLEARLY UPON A THEME OF THE PAST, BUT -CREATORS MARK GATISS AND STEVEN MOFFAT—THE DUO BEHD SHERLOCK—TEND TO FASHN A DRACULA FOR OUR MORN AGE. IN OTHER WORDS, THEY WISH TO BT APART EVERY NVENTN THAT HAS EVER MARKED THIS FECUND FIELD, BEE SPE ALL OF THE VAR ERATNS OF THE BLOOD-SUCKG TALE, TROP HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RIGIDLY PLACE, RIGHT BACK TO BRAM STOKER’S 1897 NOVEL. WHAT’S CUR ABOUT OUR LOVE OF ALL THGS DRACULA IS HOW ATHWART OUR AGE IS WH THE TRAPPGS OF THE STORY. GATISS AND MOFFAT ARE ALWAYS WELL-VERSED THEIR SUBJECT MATTER— LOVE, TOO, WH THEIR SUBJECT MATTER, WHICH IS AXMATIC TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER WATCHED SHERLOCK AND LIGHTED SOME RENDE REFERENCE TO A B OF HOLMIAN NON THAT THOR CONAN DOYLE HIMSELF WOULD NOT HAVE REMEMBERED FIVE MUT AFTER WRG THE FIRST PLACE. IN STOKER’S NOVEL, AND CERTALY THE HAMMER PICTUR—THAT FIRST OFFERG SPAWNG A BEVY OF SEQUELS, PREQUELS, PARALLEL STORI—MEN LE ALL. THERE WILL BE A BAND OF BROTHERS, AND THIS BAND WILL BE AWFULLY GAY WHILE S MEMBERS THK THEY ARE NOT REMOTELY GAY AND FACT PARAGONS OF MACHISMO; MANY TIM DURG THE PROCEEDGS, GREAT CLARATNS OF FEALTY AND RPECT WILL BE MA, TOASTS DNK, BACKS CLAPPED, LOVE ETERNALLY PLEDGED. THE WOMEN, MEANWHILE, GET ED AND GET ED HARD. THEY ARE POSSSED BY DRACULA, WHICH DUBABLY IS A BAD TIME. THEY DO HIS BIDDG, SYMBOLILLY LACKG A MD OF THEIR OWN. THEY NEED NSTANT PROTECTN AND ARE SO HELPLS YOU N’T LEAVE THEM A ROOM ALONE AT NIGHT FOR FIVE MUT, WHICH THE MEN EVABLY FUCK UP ANYWAY, BEE THE MEN-GANGS ARE PRETTY EFFECTIVE. VAN HELSG SERV AS TR, AND EVENTUALLY HE’S ABLE TO PREVAIL. BUT ONE ALWAYS HAS THE SENSE THAT DRACULA’S HEART ISN’T REALLY HIS EVIL, HE’D LIKE TO BE DONE WH ALL. THERE ARE MANY CRGE-WORTHY L THIS NEW PRODUCTN, THE STUFF OF REAL T-EARED WRG. VAN HELSG IS NOT A MALE VAMPIRE HUNTER, AS HE UALLY IS, BUT RATHER THE NUN AGATHA VAN HELSG (DOLLY WELLS) WHO IS QUTNG HER OWN FAH, AND TALKS WH A STREAK OF WHIMSY THAT BORRS ON THE FATUO. WHEN A PLAGUE OF BATS TURNS UP AT THE NVENT, SHE CLAR, “HOW TERTG!” WH THE SAME WI-EYED, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY BLHENS OF STRAWBERRY SHORTKE WHEN CHANCG UPON THE LATT SCHEME LNCHED BY THE PURPLE PIE MAN. HARKER HAS BEEN NTAMATED BY DRACULA, HE’S PED THE STLE—BY LEAPG OM AND GETTG WASHED UP A FISHERMAN’S —AND HE PROVIS THE SHOW’S AMG VICE, AT LEAST SOFAR AS THE FIRST STALLMENT (DIRECTED BY JONNY CAMPBELL) GO, BEFORE EVERYTHG GO FULL-ON HUGGER-MUGGER. SISTER AGATHA VAN HELSG AND A NUN WHO IS NOT REALLY A NUN—MA, HARKER’S BETROTHED—TERVIEW THE LOST SOUL, TRYG TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MAK THIS DRAC DU TICK. IT’S A GOOD IA, THIS VERSN, FOSTERG A KD OF SOCLOGIL EQUY WE HARDLY EVER GET VAMPIRE PERD PICTUR. THIS ISN’T SOME PRENT DAY UPDATE, WHICH WOULD PERHAPS PROVE RIPER FOR THIS KD OF TWIST. WE’RE BACK THE OLN DAYS, WHEN STOKER HIMSELF SET HIS NOVEL. CONCEPT IS ONE THG, THOUGH, EXECUTN IS ANOTHER. WE ALL HAVE THAT IEND WHO DON’T KNOW WHEN TO LET A JOKE GO, WHO PROVIS ONE BEAT TOO MANY, EACH AND EVERY TIME. OUR SHOWNNERS ARE THE DYADIC VERSN OF THAT IEND. CLA BANG’S DRACULA IS WONRFULLY WILAN SOME WAYS. HE’S SEXUAL, CERTALY, WHICH DRACULA HAS TO BE, BUT HE’S ALSO BORED—BORED LT, WE MIGHT SAY. HE LONGS FOR NNECTN. HE IS, TH, A DRACULA FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE. WE ULD EVEN ADD THAT HE’S NON-BARY, THE SENSE THAT HE DON’T SEE GENR, AND IF ANYONE WAS GOG TO THK GENR WAS FLUID, ’D BE SOMEONE WHOSE ENTIRE EXISTENCE REVOLV AROUND LIQUIDS AND FLUIDY. HE WANTS STIMULATN, WHICH MAK HIM A TRANSYLVANIA TO MILTON’S SATAN, AND THE SCRIPT LLS DRACULA THE VIL HIMSELF OVER AND OVER AGA. WHICH IS NFG ONE WAY—AFTER ALL, THE DEVIL, TO MOST OF , EVEN AS A CHARACTER, IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FIEND—AND ALSO LOGIL, AS THE LARGER POT IS THAT DRACULA REPRENTS THE VIL WH. AS A RULT, THIS VERSN “READS” BLOOD, AS IF WERE A BOOK, STRIPPG KNOWLEDGE OM THE SAME SOURCE HE TATS. IT’S ANOTHER TERTG NCE, AND BANG LOOKS THE PART, BUT GATISS AND MOFFAT STUFF SO MUCH SCENERY HIS MOUTH THAT ’S A WONR HE N GET OUT HIS L. HE’S NOT PECIALLY MPY, BUT HIS REMARKS ARE, AS WHEN HE LLS HARKER “JONNY BLUE EY,” LIKE HE’S SATRA ABOUT TO CROON A POST- BALLAD BED. WE’RE PREPPED FOR L LIKE THIS EARLY ON, WHEN SISTER VAN HELSG BLOWS RIGHT PAST THE BULLSH AND ASKS HARKER IF HE HAD SEXUAL TERURSE WH DRACULA. AS A VICTORIAN MAN, HARKER IS TAKEN ABACK, AND WE PRACTILLY SEE SWEAT DOT HIS BROW AS A VISUAL FOR SODOMY PASS THROUGH HIS ATH-ADDLED BRA. IT’S TOUGH NOT TO THK, GIVEN HOW UNSUBTLE THE LE IS, “AH, ’S GOG TO BE THAT KD OF SERI,” AND YOU HOPE THAT OVERTNS WON’T E ACROSS AS AN ATTENTN-GRAB. BUT THIS ISN’T VIRTUE SIGNALG, OR TTAMENT TO A GNIZANCE OF CHANGG TIM— FLIRTS WH A LAMPOONG, BEE THE SERI DON’T FEEL AS IF EVEN BELIEV SELF. THERE’S A FOR-A-LARK ASPECT, TERCUT WH EARNT TENTN. THE FIRST STALLMENT FOC ON HARKER’S BACKSTORY AND THE TERROGATN AT THE NVENT. MUCH LIKE THE RECENT BBC ADAPTATN OF A CHRISTMAS CAROL, DRACULA TAK QUICK MOMENTS, AND EXTENDS THEM. THIS N FEEL LIKE PADDG, STORY-STRETCHG, BUT NOT DURG THE SEND STALLMENT, DIRECTED BY DAMON THOMAS, WHICH TAK PLACE LARGE PART ON THE DEMETER, THE SHIP THAT BORE THE COUNT TO ENGLAND. “HE’S SEXUAL, CERTALY, WHICH DRACULA HAS TO BE, BUT HE’S ALSO BORED—BORED LT, WE MIGHT SAY. HE LONGS FOR NNECTN. HE IS, TH, A DRACULA FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE.” THERE’S A CLEVER TWEAK YOU WON’T SEE ANYWHERE ELSE—DRACULA, ON CK, BLOWS BEFOULED AIR OM HIS LUNGS SKYWARD, WRAPPG THE DOOMED VSEL FOG, TO BLOT OUT THE SUNLIGHT. HE N’T E AND GO PLETELY EELY, BUT ROCKG A PAIR OF VICTORIAN SUNGLASS, HE N FL ABOUT THE SHADOWS DURG THE DAY, WHICH LENDS SOME JOLT AND FEAR TO THE STORY, A FURTHER DOLLOP OF WHAT WE ASSOCIATE WH UNNATURAL ORR. IN STOKER’S NOVEL, DRACULA HAS NO REAL ISSU WH THE DAY AT HIS STLE. HARKER EVEN OBSERV HIM MAKG A BED ONE MORNG, AND GATISS AND MOFFAT ARE AWARE OF THIS, WH DRACULA SAYG A UPLE TIM THAT HE DON’T HAVE ANY STAFF WORKG FOR HIM. HE MAY BE THE 1 PERCENT, WH THE URBANY OF ACCENT TO MATCH, BUT NO ONE WAS ON HIM, AT LEAST. SO FAR SO GOOD, UNTIL THE SHOWNNERS THOUGHT WISE TO ENDOW THEIR SERI WH SOMETHG STRAIGHT OUT OF A MARVEL FILM. WHOUT GIVG AWAY THE EXACT PLOT POTS, LET’S JT SAY THAT SISTER AGATHA VAN HELSG HAS BEEN ABOARD THE SHIP THE ENTIRE TIME, SERVG AS A DRAC SNACK, WHILE HE ALSO GO AROUND KNOCKG OFF PEOPLE NOT BEE HE NECSARILY WANTS TO DRK THEIR BLOOD OR NEEDS TO, BUT BEE THEY POSSS A GIVEN QUALY, AND HE WISH TO ABSORB . SO, IF YOU HAVE A OL ACCENT AND HE’S ENV, HE’LL KNOCK YOU OFF AND DRK OM YOUR NECK AND GET THE OL ACCENT, TOO. THIS SMACKS OF OUR CLICHéD NOTN OF LIVG YOUR BT LIFE, WHICH OFTEN MEANS ASCRIBG WHATEVER QUALY YOU WISH TO HAVE TO WHO YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU DON’T POSSS THAT QUALY, AN IA THAT DRACULA MAK HAM-FISTEDLY LERAL. SISTER AGATHA IS GOG TO THWART HIS EVILNS WH A BIG OLD EXPLOSN, AND DOWN HIS FF GO TO THE SEA, AND HER WH . HARDLY EMPOWERG. A PROGRSN, PERHAPS, THAT A WOMAN IS THE AGENCY OF A SOLUTN, BUT ’S PRETTY WEAK GEL THAT SHE SERV AS HOST FOR A PARASE ALONG THE WAY—SOMETHG THAT HAS BEEN GOG ON LONG ENOUGH, THANK YOU—AND SUCCUMBS THE END. AS FOR THE BIZARRO WORLD TIMELE: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. MAYBE MOFFAT HAS A KD OF TEMPORALY AGUE LEFTOVER OM HELMG DOCTOR WHO. THERE’S A LOT OF HAMMER FAN-SERVICE THE MISE-EN-SCèNE SELF WH THE DEMETER SCEN, AND THE CHIAROSCURO CEMATOGRAPHY IS AS IF THE GHOST OF NOIR-PNEER JOHN ALTON WERE REVIVED TO TRY HIS HAND AT HORROR CIR 2020. BUT WE ARE UNMOORED AT THIS POT, WHICH CU THE SANY FOR THE THIRD AND NCLUDG STALLMENT, WH PL MCGUIGAN ROUNDG OUT OUR TRY OF ON-HAND DIRECTORS. SISTER AGATHA IS BACK, KD OF, ONLY ’S 123 YEARS LATER AND SHE’S DR. ZOE VAN HELSG. DRACULA HAS BEEN DORMANT, HE’S SENTIALLY UNOZEN, SISTER AGATHA TALKS DR. ZOE’S HEAD, THERE’S A JONATHAN HARKER INSTUTE—’S A CLTER. TURNS OUT DRACULA IS SRED WLS OF ATH, BUT ZOE, WHO IS DYG HERSELF OF NCER, HELPS HIM LEARN ’S NOT THAT BAD, AND THEY DO THIS KD OF MURR-SUICI-Y THG. AGA, NOT HUGELY EMPOWERG, NOT EPIPHANIC, AND ALMOST A BRAND OF SATIRE, BUT THIS ISN’T SATIRE. IF ANYTHG, ’S A TOE-DIP. AN EXPLORATN OF THE WATER, AT THE SURFACE OF THE WATER, SANS PLUNGE. AS A FOOTNOTE, THERE’S D TERT, BOTH TRYG SOMETHG VAGUELY POST-SEXIST, TERMS OF HOW WOMEN ARE UALLY TREATED DURG THE AFFAIRS, AND TAKG A NEW TACK WH THE VAN HELSG CHARACTER, WHO, ANKLY, IS UALLY A PRETTY BORG GUY. BUT ALMOST-AS-BORG WOMEN DON’T REALLY UNTER THAT, PECIALLY WHEN THEIR BANE IS NOT THE KG OF THE UNAD, BUT YOUR MS OF AN UNRTAKG. COL FLEMG
‘The #BBC has ma #Dracula gay… I have no words, when or more worrygly where will all end?
‘I’d agree probably uld be if they lled the gay vampire or bent bloodsucker. )’ and ‘It’s total s***e, most stuff on the bbc is, started watchg Dracula last night, acrdg to the beeb he’s gay, turned off, utter baloney (sic.